First
of all, NOT a porno. Just had to get that out of the way.
That's actually something that I think will cause this film to suffer
and not reach as large of an audience as it possibly could. It really
does sound like some horribly tacky softcore porno title. I hadn't
actually heard anything about it before I watched it, and I was
hesitant for that very reason. I am glad I got past the title and gave
it a shot though, it turned out to be a rather surprising and quite
funny little movie.
 I'm
not familiar at all with Mathew Horne and James Corden, but
apparently they are a somewhat well known comedy duo in Great Britain.
It seems obvious from this movie that they have worked together before
and seem to have really great "buddy" chemistry. What I can't get over
though is the amount of hatred not only for this movie, but for Horne
and Corden on the IMDB boards. Many people feel that the pair are
"ripping off" Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, but honestly, the only
resemblance I see between the two comedy pairs is that they are both
british, and one of them is a fat guy with a crass sense of humour.
Hardly anything to write home about. But you know the internet. Give a
nerd a keyboard and he will find something to whinge about. The pair
weren't actually the original choice for the characters, but I feel
they pulled it off quite well.
After a small introduction to Carmilla the Vampire Queen and the
horrible curse she has placed on the village of Cragwich, the movie
begins with a nervous looking guy named Jimmy being dumped by his
girlfriend. Apparently, this isn't the first time this has happened.
It's not even the fifth time. Jimmy's girlfriend Judy has been using
and abusing him for years, and mild mannered, quiet Jimmy has just been
rolling with the punches. While this is taking place, Jimmy's best
friend Fletch is being fired from his job as a childrens clown. The
pair meet at a bar to drown their sorrows and decide that even thought
they are both broke that a holiday will be the answer to their
problems. Grabbing a dart and aiming it drunkenly at a map of England
on the wall, Jimmy finds their holiday destination. The sleepy town of
Cragwich.
But now that's they are almos
there and he's sober, Fletch decides that holidaying in Cragwich is
destined to be the worlds biggest bummer, while Jimmy feels that the
fresh county air will do them good, and help him forget all about his
ex-girlfriend. Meanwhile we discover that the guy Judy left Jimmy for
is actually married, much to her surprise. She tries to call Jimmy and
beg forgiveness but Fletch intervenes and destroys his phone.
Frustrated at not getting her way, Judy heads to Cragwich to find Jimmy.
 Before
Jimmy even gets a chance to think too much about Judy, they are stopped
in their tracks as four extremely beautiful girls leave the small pub
just up the road and pass them in their van. Fletch does a complete 180
on his opinion of Cragwich, and they head towards the pub to grab a
beer and find a place to stay.
Unexpectedly, the locals are
extremely accomodating of the visitors and even offer them free beer
and a place to stay, which happens to be the same place as the young
girls that just left. Their jovial mood, however, is shattered when the
local Vicar bursts into the tavern ranting about his daughters
impending birthday. It is then that we learn that every woman in
Cragwich turns into a lesbian vampire on her 18th birthday. The Vicar
spots Jimmy and is convinced that he is a descendant of the man who
killed Carmilla hundreds of years ago, and that he must help the town
again.
Ignoring the warnings of the
obviously crazy vicar, the pair head towards the cottage, stumbling
across the girls from earlier, whose van had broken down on the way. It
turns out they are university students studying occult phenomena, and
are in Cragwich to find out if the tales of Carmilla the vampire queen
were indeed true. Jimmy finds himself taking a liking to pretty blond
Lotte, while Fletch on the other hand isn't picky in the slightest and
will take whichever one gets drunk enough to sleep with him. Their
festivities are short lived though as Carmilla's curse starts to affect
Lotte's friends, and before too long they are lesbian vampires. Lotte,
Jimmy and Fletch find out the hard way that the Vicar wasn't crazy at
all. Then, when things couldn't possibly get any worse, Judy arrives at
the cottage in a panic. Lotte is visibly disappointed at Jimmy's
willingness to help his old girlfriend, and admits to Fletch that she
really likes Jimmy, and had been saving herself for someone like him.
Lotte is immune to Carmilla's curse because she is a virgin. Judy
however, isnt. She cops an axe in the head for her troubles.
 After
Jimmy mistakenly invites Carmilla's minions inside the house, he and
Lotte try to escape but are captured by Eva, Carmilla's vampire love
and the other vampire sluts. The Vicar arrives too late at the cottage
and asks Fletch for help who despite his best friends mortal peril,
really couldn't be bothered. But he changes his mind when the Vicar
threatens to leave him to fend for himself. It turns out that the
Vicars assumption of Jimmy's bloodline is indeed correct and Eva has
taken both him and Lotte to perform a ritual that will resurrect
Carmilla. Fletch and the Vicar must find the hilarious Sword of Dialdo
(aka the cock-sword) so Jimmy can vanquish Carmilla once more and save
all the village girls from her curse. Although, it may be a little late
for the Vicar's daughter Rebecca. Seems she wasn't as virginal as he
had hoped.
James Corden was quite funny and natural in his role as Fletch and Vera
Filatova (Eva) is simply stunning. Seriously. Wow. Matthew Horne was an
interesting one too. He seemed completely meek and unassuming at the
beginning, but actually quite attactive by the end. Who knew? I did
find the ending a little strange though - why on earth would you throw
the sword? But I won't spoil it. I'll be perfectly honest and say that
this movie was by no means a masterpiece and to compare it to something
like Shaun of the Dead is simply unfair. I mean, how much can you
really expect from a movie named Lesbian Vampire Killers?
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Year: 2009
