My younger
brother (who
is just as movie mad as I am, although his choices are seemingly of
better quality), picked this up for me with my birthday in a collection
pack with Hardbodies 2. I actually watched both movies back to back,
and if I had to say that one of them was "better" (and I do use that
term quite loosely) I would say that the first one definitely outshines
the second. Considering that we are talking mid 80's T&A flicks
here, that must mean that Hardbodies 2 was pretty damn crap. And it
was. But I'll get to that later.
 The
first ten to fifteen minutes of Hardbodies is a montage of girls on the
beach. Stretching, swimming, oiling up and losing their bikini tops in
splash fights with their equally endowed friends. It serves to set the
scene that California is the place to be if you're looking for hot
girls with loose morals. Moving on, we meet out main man Scotty Palmer.
Looks
like he's been getting busy with his girlfriend Kristi (and thus we are
introduced to the second of many pairs of breasts that will be viewable
throughout the film. I'm talkin a lotta boobage in 90 mins). As Scotty
rolls out of bed (my, he certainly was naked under there), we get a
better view of his disaster area of an apartment. Clothes strewn about,
unwashed dishes... Scotty is the stereotypical lovable slacker. Kristi
laughs off his disgustingness, but not before Scotty exits his
apartment to discover that not everyone loves a slacker - his landlord
has hit him with an eviction notice. He finds his friend Rag down at
the beach (Courtney Gains!) and before long Kristi and her friend
Kimberly arrive too. That's when the token fat slob and his gang rock
up and terrorize the ladies, and their dog steals Kimberly's bikini
top. (Yes, that did happen). Scotty tricks them into knocking over the
bikes of local biker gang, The Gonads, and they hightail it out of
there. But maybe they will pop up again later in the film...
 This
is when our three rich, middle aged businessmen, Hunter, Ashby
& Rounder appear on the scene.
All are single or divorced and have come out to LA for a bit of
R&R... and also a bit of T&A. All three make a deal
that this place will be their little secret - no bringing anyone out
that has anything to do with work. They are here to relax and that's
all. Scotty notices them move in and asks them if he can help them with
anything and offers to detail their cars. Being the lovable scammer
that he is, he can't help but convince two passing girls that the
mercedes he is polishing belongs to him. While the older guys all
strike out down on the beach with their outdated lines, Scotty has
taken the Mercedes for a spin with two bikini babes in tow with
seemingly effortless ease. Rather than being mad at Scotty when he
returns with the car, the guys ask him how he was able to pick up the
girls so easily. Scotty gives them a few pointers about "dialoguing
Hardbodies", and Hunter offers to pay him to be their "coach". After a
night sleeping on the beach now that he has been kicked out of his
apartment, Scotty decides that he needs the money and takes them up on
their offer.
A
morning at the mall proves to be valuable training time for the three
older men, and although awkward at first, by the end of yet another
montage the men are successfully able to get the local girls attentions
and invite them to a party they are planning. The party is set to be a
big success, with plenty of booze and pretty girls invited, but when
the band that Rag planned bails at the last minute, Scotty heads out
and convinces local girl band "Diaper Rash" (rock band Vixen) that he
is a band manager
and books them for the party and before long, the place is going wild.
The guys hook up with nubile young blondes and the party is a screaming
success. Except for the part where Kristi leaves quite unimpressed by
Scotty's new friends and their treatment of women. But not to worry,
she soon forgives him.
 Even Scotty's band managerial skills are
a success. With a simple name
change from the very unappealing "Diaper Rash" to the much more fitting
"Hardbodies", he manages to book the girls on to a presentation the
following night promoting local bodybuilders. Once again the gang head
out for a party, but after an interesting night, some horrible truths
come to the surface when Hunter tries to force himself on his clueless
young date, Candy. Seeing what is going on, Scotty tells Hunter to beat
it and comforts Candy. Hunter leaves, but not before telling Scotty's
girlfriend that he is further down the beach putting the moves on
Candy. Kristi looks over to see Scotty with his arm around the girl and
doesn't stick around to ask any questions. Scotty rushes back to the
house and dials the local florist to send Kristi flowers when the older
men return. Distraught, Scotty confronts Hunter and tells him what he
thinks of him before leaving. But then the florist calls back. Scotty
didn't leave a name to put on the card, so Hunter tells the florist to
say that the flowers for Kristi are from him.
 Thinking
he doesn't need Scotty anymore and that he has all the answers, Hunter
plans yet another party, but this time he breaks their pact and invites
a whole bunch of investers and businessmen. Ashby is suitably annoyed
at this and joins forces with Scotty and Rag to help him get Kristi
back and trash Hunter's party. And trash it they shall.
Considering this movie was originally made for Playboy TV and then
changed for theatrical release, it's really not that bad. Grant Cramer
is awesomely cool (he was one of the Terenzi brothers in Killer Klowns)
and Courtney Gains (Can't Buy Me Love) was great too. Another one that
I didn't pick though was Kristi Somers in the part of Michelle. She was
Ricki in Girls Just Want To Have Fun! And now I've seen her boobs!
Hardbodies is good if you like sexy beach comedies (and I do) and is
very much in the same vein and Hot Moves, but with older dudes wanting
to get laid.
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Year: 1984
