I haven't written a review in about nine
months, and I've probably picked a crap way to start with one for
Battlestar Galactica. Known better as a TV show in the late seventies,
this film served as the pilot and basically tells everyone what the
fuck is going on. Not to be confused with the new version of Battlestar
Galactica, which from what I have heard is a badly written sci-fi show
about gettin it on and gender swapping.
I normally would steer clear of this kind of review - Lets just say I
don't want a thousand emails from rabid fans because I got some
characters confused or misdiagnosed a key plot aspect. But today, I
have decided not to care, and since its the only thing I have watched
in the last 24 hours, its all you're gonna get.
Somewhere, deep in space, a bunch of old guys are having a dinner party
discussing the future of the human race. They've been at war for way
too long with an evil shiny robotic race known as the Cylons and they
have finally managed to work towards a truce. The humans have colonies
on twelve planets (funnily enough named after astrological star signs),
and each planet has their own corresponding Battlestar (which basically
just means Big Ship). The old guys at the dinner party are the
commanders of these twelve ships so all the Battlestars are in the one
place at the one time, and not protecting their home planets (doesn't
anyone else see this as a problem?). As expected, the truce with the
Cylons was a farce and they attack all the unprotected colonies,
destroying them all. They also manage to destroy all the Battlestars
except one. The Galactica.
The Galactica heads down to its home planet Caprica to help defend but
arrives too late. The human race is slaughtered with only handfuls of
each colony left to survive. It's total death and destruction.
Commander Adama of the Galactica urges all survivors to get in any ship
they can find, no matter how crappy, pack some space food sticks and
follow the Galactica to find a new home. A mysterious thirteenth colony
of humans known as ... wait for it ... Earth!!
Now would probably be a good time to discuss characters. Commander
Adama is in charge of the Galactica and has three children, Apollo, a
Viper pilot, Athena, an operator of some sort, and Zack - he's not
around long enough for you to know what his position is. Apollo is
Captain of the Viper squadron, but his squadron usually only consists
of Boomer, your straight up no nonsense pilot who can still have a
little fun and Starbuck, Galactica's cigar smoking, card playing
playboy. Starbuck has a thing for Apollo's sister Athena, but because
her brother and mother are dead, she doesn't want to get close to
anyone - which she tells him naked from behind a door. Starbuck isn't
too fussed so he picks up "socialator" aka prostitute Cassiopeia, who
he's sure won't hide behind a door naked (and whose character magically
turns into a medic in the series) resulting in much jealous shenanigans
from both Athena and Cassiopeia when he tries to play them both. Apollo
is not without a woman though either. He picks up sexy bra-less Jane
Seymour, one of the survivors from Caprica and somewhere in between the
one hour mark and the one hour ten minute mark, they decide they are a
couple (and are married by the first episode - things sure happen fast
in space). She has a six year old son. No idea who the father is, but
apparently it's Apollo now.
Soon, disaster strikes the fleet as there is a food shortage, but it
turns out some rich fat guy was just hogging it all. But uh oh! Now
there's land mines in the sky, well I guess they aren't land mines
then, but Apollo, Starbuck and Boomer have to go blow them up with no
sensors. Soon they reach their destination planet inhabited by weird
insect creatures and a casino where you can't lose. Following this?
Okay good. The people are happy because they have lots of food and
booze and showtunes. But Commander Adama smells a rat, or rather a
robot.
The fat guy that was hogging all the food proposes that they all
destroy their ships and weapons and live at the Casino in peace. He
thinks this will show the Cylons that they do not wish to fight. He
organises a big ceremony for Apollo, Boomer and Starbuck for their
heroics and plans to pitch his idea to the people when they are drunk
and happy. Adama thinks his idea sucks and realises that if all the
pilots are at the ceremony, the Galactica will be unprotected. He
hatches a plan with Colonel Ty to put other crew members in pilot
uniforms and keep the real pilots on the ship so no one will notice
missing pilots from the ceremony. Meanwhile, after arguing with Athena
about who gets to go make out with Starbuck, Cassiopeia finds herself
in the lower levels of the Casino being fed to giant insects. Oh no!
They aren't friendly after all. Jane Seymours son Boxey goes down there
chasing his robot dog, so of course Apollo plays the hero where they
find out that the Cylons have lured them into a trap! Luckily, the
pilots are on board the Galactica and not at the party so crisis is
averted! The planet is blown up and the Galactica and its fleet head
off once more in search of Earth.
I like this movie and this series, but I don't recommend watching the
"Remembering Battlestar Galactica" Documentary. Dirk Benedict although
awesome as Starbuck comes across as kinda creepy and perverted, and
it's clear that Richard Hatch (Apollo) may have been stalking Jane
Seymour in real life. She's married to Commander Halik from Moving
Violations. Now THAT is creepy. I'd also just like to add that for some
reason, in the Cylon fighter ships, it looks like they have horizontal
blinds. I find that notion hysterical.
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Year: 1978
